This is Your Brain on a Bike

Or rather, MY brain. My ride of the Burke-Gilman today (see earlier snarky post) was about three hours long. In three hours, my brain can cover a great deal of territory. I came home and enlightened The Handsome Guy on my thoughts and as usual, he had to finally kiss me to shut me up. There was so much time to think! It was crazy!

Here are some of the topics I pondered:

1. Was the crew of the Titanic really capable of performing an intensive evacuation of all the women and children on the boat in less than two hours, even if their leadership had been better organized?

2. Can anyone really be prepared enough for a catastrophic event? Is there a test that would tell an employer ahead of time? Would we really want to try out such a test? How does one replicate life-altering fear?

3. Why did my old employers never really like me? Was it because they sensed I could handle emergencies and they couldn’t? Or was it because I was just annoying?

4. Why, in almost 30 years of being a sexually-aware human being, has a lesbian never hit on me? Am I that obviously heterosexual? What gives it away? (can one of my lesbian friends please explain this to me?). Is there an opposite of gaydar at play here?

5. When someone says: “Ever since I met my wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend, I haven’t even noticed other women/men,” they are clearly lying. Is this driven by the same guilt that makes closeted evangelist preachers rail endlessly against gay marriage, then slip out for a quick bj in the neighborhood park’s bathroom?

6. When are Hugh Jackman, Eric Bana and Sam Worthington going to get together and make the sexy Australian stripper comedy I so know they are capable of?

7. When did I become old enough to be unattractive to the hot 20 year-old guys running by me bare-chested and in short shorts? Does this mean I will someday be unattractive to 30 year-old guys? Then 40? Eventually, does this mean that the only men who will find me attractive will be… dead?

8. Why do I feel so disappointed by the fact that hot young men no longer objectify my body, when I spent most of my 20’s protesting this very thing in earnest late-night dorm room talk orgies? Being a woman in America is a study in contradiction: “Don’t objectify me, you sexist pig frat boys! Where are my damn skinny jeans and red six-inch high heels again? How can I go to the club and meet guys if I can’t find my f**k-me heels?”

9. No longer being a teacher has clearly released in me a desire to make up for lost swearing time.

10. I might have to admit that the guy I criticized for the $20 bike seat oiling actually made my bike seat comfortable for the first time since I bought it two years ago. Crap.

This is just a fraction of what went on in there. And my doctor wonders why I have insomnia!

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10 Responses to This is Your Brain on a Bike

  1. Hopeful Romantic says:

    Amused by your brain droppings but was hoping you’d work “fecking” in there somewhere. That still puts a smile on my face. :)

  2. Steve says:

    You always make me smile,LOL,or think,my ol friend,this time yuo made me do all three,good post! :D
    (The DC ;) )

  3. anniebikes says:

    Oh my. What transpires in your brain on a 3 hour ride is scary! Don’t ever start bike touring. You may not ever sleep at night. Or, you may write a book on the way. As long as you can answer your ow questions…

    Your ability to recall what went through your head on the ride is amazing. Please tell me you stopped and wrote it all down along the way.

  4. Bay Area BFF says:

    1. No, they weren’t. I also challenge the basic idea that “women and children first” is a valid starting point in any rescue/disaster situation. There are clearly going to be some smarty pants men that are also worth saving first, and some bratty children who should be told to fend for themselves as an exercise in tidying up the gene pool.
    2. I think some people are predisposed to be good in an emergency. I perform extremely well under pressure, but you don’t want me on the Titanic since I will save the orchestra and let all the children drown due to my own priorities.
    3. They had no taste. Clearly.
    4. You are so very straight. So. Very. Straight. Despite That Guy’s assertion that we were on the verge of a gigantic lesbian affair, it never occurred to me even once. Your heterosexuality can be seen from the ISS.
    5. They are lying. These people are also the ones who “don’t masturbate.” And probably also spell it “masterbate.”
    6. Gross.
    7. You should look into vampires (the kind that don’t sparkle). They’re older men who look very young (provided you choose one who was turned while young). I mean, in case of this very specific, paranoid potential eventuality.
    8. You have never in your life said that last sentence. Ever. Until just now when you typed it.
    9. Fuck yes.
    10. No. Never. He could go back in time and save 100% of the people on Titanic while simultaneously preventing the James Cameron film from being made and I’d still wish lifelong incontinence upon him.

  5. rideblog says:

    Hopeful, perhaps that’s how I can avoid sounding so much like a salty sailor now: I can just utilize fecking instead!

  6. rideblog says:

    The scary thing, Annie, is that I did not stop to write any of it down. It just lives there in my brain. I have all these extra neural connections due to my disease, and I always imagine them glowing away with useless crap like my thoughts on the Titantic disaster.

    I have not done a lot of bike touring, but I have driven across country once on my own. I created the solution for world peace.

    If I’m alone long enough, my brain does eventually shut off. It’s so great, but the last time it happened, I had been on horseback in Alberta for a week. That was… 10 years ago, I think. Needless to say, meditation is not my strong point.

  7. rideblog says:

    1. I agree, actually, sorta. I think it should be mommies-and-babies first, then everyone else fends for themselves. Bratty is so subjective, after all.
    2. You would, I assume, save The Boy, but only because he’s related to me. And they totally should have saved the orchestra.
    3. Yeah, that’s what I tell myself. But that would mean a surprising number of my bosses have had no taste…
    4. HOW DO YOU KNOW???
    5. I was thinking of a certain ex-colleague of mine, who once said that to me with a straight face. After a year of flirting non-stop with me. You know who I mean.
    6. See my comments on “A League of Their Own” on your FB page.
    7. Vampires! Finally, a reason to find them interesting…
    8. I did! In college! In my head! But you’re right. I never said it out loud. And the shoes never worked, because as soon as I opened my mouth, they could tell I wasn’t that type of girl, really.
    9. Feck.
    10. I’m not saying I’d go back there, but he did do things that worked. Being right doesn’t make him less of a jerk. And really? I think it would be worth it, especially to avoid Billy Zane’s performance.

  8. Bay Area BFF says:

    Really? In no particular order:
    > You walk like a straight girl. There’s a particular way gay ladies walk. It’s true.
    > You dress like a straight girl. Even femme ladygays typically have something that calls out the gay.
    > You don’t hold eye-contact with other women. Women who like women hold that extra beat longer when there’s interest (or even just acknowledgement). It’s true, I had a moment with a search and rescue guide at Yosemite a few weeks back…you just hold the look an extra moment.
    > Look at your hands. Look at mine. (I just posted a link with a photo, remember.) Fingernails are a dead giveaway.
    > You just don’t seem gay. Gay-friendly, sure, but not gay. I have always seemed gay.

  9. rideblog says:

    Fascinating! Guess I’m just like a perfect storm of straightness on the gaydar. No wonder :).

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