So, now I’ve had The Gazelle for nearly two months (already? Has it really been that long?), and it seems like a good time to write about the bike again, as I’ve been riding it a lot. Since Top Ten lists are all the rage on the interwebs, I’m offering my thoughts in Top Ten format! With a running bad analogy!
10. Like a super model, The Gazelle is stunningly gorgeous, especially in pictures. With the elegant black finish and shiny chrome, this bike simply doesn’t have a bad angle.
9. Unlike a super model, The Gazelle is ridiculously heavy in the rear end. I understand this provides stability and a sense of permanence and more “junk in the trunk,” but it also makes this bike hard to take up hills of any size (even nearly flat ones). Additionally, that rear weight means that I can’t stand and pump the bike up a hill. I have to sit and throw my weight from side to side. As you might imagine, that’s not as effective as standing, nor does it appear to benefit my back. It does, that said, seem to benefit my thighs. This baby burns calories like a Victoria’s Secret angel on a liquid diet!
8. Like a super model, The Gazelle is fabulously ready to take shopping. That heavy-duty rear rack and all that stable weight distribution means that loading the bike up with another 15 pounds of groceries doesn’t change how it rides (except up a hill: see number 7).
7. Unlike a super model, too much shopping makes The Gazelle a miserable ride. I was going to skip the super-model-ride jokes, but really, we’re all adults here. Taking the bike on a flat surface fully-loaded? Fine. Taking the bike on a hill fully-loaded? Nearly impossible. It’s like dragging a dead animal behind me.
6. Like a super model, The Gazelle has beautiful details. I love all the little gazelles on everything, the dress guards, the front light… the shiny curves are so sexy! Every shot is like bike p**n. I feel like shouting: “Work it, baby! Work it!”
5. Unlike a super model, The Gazelle is a built to last. This bike is so solid, it could withstand several hurricanes. While riding downhill. And it would still never break a sweat.
4. Like a super model, The Gazelle is a very smooth ride once you finally get it started. Okay, that one was just foul. But so true: riding this bike reminds me of driving my old Mercedes wagon — it wasn’t fast, but man, did you get there in style!
3. Unlike a super model, The Gazelle throws my back out each time I try to lift it. Really, putting this bike up on my bike rack? Brutal. I feel like one of those Olympic weight lifter guys trying to do the clean-and-jerk. If I dropped the bike, I bet it would sound surprisingly similar to dropped barbells, as well.
2. Like a super model, The Gazelle oozes expensive, but is a secret workhorse. Everything about this bike is beautifully designed and made of the highest-quality materials. Slap some angel wings on this baby and let it just glide up the runway, looking like a million bucks, all while working itself into a carb-deprived stupor.
1. And the final undignified super model joke? This one could go either way, depending on your feelings about super models: The Gazelle has one rock-hard saddle. It’s very hard to ride it for long periods of time. Sitting on this bike for anything more than a ten mile ride is torturous. Twenty miles? Like sticking a knife into my tailbone. Twenty-five? Never, ever again. Fortunately, like many problems encountered by people who like super models: ain’t nothin’ a little money couldn’t fix!
Work it, baby! Work it!